Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Bobcat Goldthwait, Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright are my favorite comedians. Here are some Wright-isms:

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one… It wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me — and I didn’t hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, ‘I think I might have written that.’

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, ‘Yes, but not right now.’

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it. So I’m going to move to New York.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I’m so hyper… (Said with a very dull voice)

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

Four years ago… no, it was yesterday. Today I… No, that wasn’t me. Sometimes I… No, I don’t.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

One of my other favorites is Jack Handey
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Is life nothing more than ceaseless honking and screaming? Sitting at the stoplight, watching it turn from red to green and back again, it sure seems that way.

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven---with a gun."